##March 9

i forgot this site existed for a while. 

2026 has passed way too quickly so far. half whirlwind half hellscape and i do wonder how much kombucha is too much kombucha to consume in a two month time frame. 

szn has felt like learning to trust myself again. im partially there.

##Nov 9

last p&r w/ g the other day ~ holding onto the bittersweetness of that i guess. anyone who wants to get into organizing hmu ->->-> 

trying 2 hold onto excitement for a new era of the project & trying to prioritize being present with people over anything else. i never thought i'd be someone who'd get wrapped up into a relationship but,,, now i look back on some things i did & just have the feeling of "wtf was i thinking" 

lol lol lol lol anyway

i wonder how long it will take to look back on this life season with clarity. 

##Oct 31 

grad school purgatory continues. had someone over last night who might move into our house,,, very bittersweet. 

##Oct 29

ahhhhhhhhh in grad school purgatory sos

going to go fully off grid i think sunday morning or whichever day a friend is free honestly,, long hike in the woods mode and i will only talk abt slow things. not literally but things you have to really sit with and return to / every maggie nelson book and especially the argonauts. and then i will imagine drowning my laptop (slowly). 

##Oct 27

went 2 counterpublic lunch yesterday with e~~ transformative. after, went to congratulate m & they told me something that was so honest i will probably never forget it. honest in the see-right-through-you kind of way. i won't try and recant it verbatim but was re: seeing my set @ goodie house 

(this next part might maybe sound like what m said was rude but it was not)

i don't think anyone has ever told me that they can tell i'm nervous to talk in front of a lot of people. which is true i just have done it anyway for so long i forget that people can tell or maybe they just don't say anything. i fear this is coming off self deprecating but it's not, it's just true, public speaking does not come easy for me and i'm pretty much always nervous to do it. it gets *easier*, for sure, but not easy. that's something im actually really proud of, the doing it anyway part. i think i was so fucking terrified of being judged, messing up, people not liking me etc for SO long i don't want to ever take for granted where i am now. or even that i have messed up. a lot. and some people don't like me, and maybe i won't ever get to talk to them about it or apologize and the world still goes on and i'm still here. 

didn't mean for this to be deep! i expected for everything to feel  really hard (especially around poetry/doing my project by myself again) for a while and in some ways it feels lighter. like i am getting my confidence back/// 

##Oct 24

in the part of breakup where i'm constantly like. just saw a weird bird and who am i supposed to text about it now. 

anyway

feeling a little like i'm losing my tether to reality today ~ but had a rly good conversation with a last night abt writing and the work of making sense of things thru art. had things end with someone i was seeing mid least year & i wrote an autofiction piece loosely about it that is still one of the projects i'm most proud of. so perhaps i'll get on that,,, (except yikes where do i possibly start) 

if anyone is into a writing group situation. lmk. 

##Oct 23

thinking abt neighborhood sterilization. venue for poetry got an angry email from south grand???? for posters on light posts. also got stopped by cops 4 hanging in the loop last month,, 

places with no flyers piss me off. i think it's the biggest indicator of a place stripped of culture & community & creativity ~ "beautification" aka shut up, buy ur expensive coffee, walk down this "nice" street indistinguishable from every other street in this city indistinguishable from every other city & get back 2 work//ai nightmare// 

##Oct 22

Okay, I caved. first flounder post, officially done telling ppl I'll make one and then not ever doing it. the every-personal-thing-is-tmi trauma thing is very hard to break. but also no one has to read this? into the ether or whatever people say. this is mainly catalyzed by the way my life is falling apart a bit at the moment (dramatic) (possibly true).

re: breakup thoughts

any1 else ever have a breakup that's so fucking awful u wonder if u actually have never been in love for real before now,,,, 

idk if that's true. but also Wow every single part of my life is so intertwined with theirs, how is it even possible for a different version to happen without blowing it all up. illustrative: i read at the biggest event i've ever been invited to feature at. a dream i've had for a long time. didn't even cry during my set only after. cut to: person who knows us both takes a polaroid of g. later asks to take a polaroid of me. i say yes. they hand me the photo of g & tell me to hold it in the pic, inception style. idk what to do so i say ok i guess. it's the only photo i have of that night. i throw it away. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

beautiful side: rly sweet friends have shown up for me so beautifully & honestly & wow i can tell that someday i will learn a lot about myself and community from this.  

anyway. stayed up soo late writing a case conceptualization & drew a very intricate tomato plant during class, can't wait to go hang out w pals & fall asleep at 10